I made a lot of mistakes in my marriage. We all do, because few of us enter marriage knowing instinctively how to be a “good” spouse. That’s part of the deal. If both spouses turn into the marriage to battle the rough patches, a real marriage is born. When one partner turns away, however, all bets are off.
What happens when one spouse turns away and the other doesn’t know it?
For years, I was fighting my husband’s sex addiction but didn’t know it. It was as if I’d been blindfolded and thrust unknowingly into a high stakes game. He not only made all the rules, but was taking advantage of the blindfold to outwit and outplay me in a game I didn’t even know I’d entered. Nothing made sense but why would it? There’s no such thing as a fair fight when the opponent is invisible.
To add to the confusion, his consistent game strategy was to remain eerily calm at all times, while calling me crazy, demanding, unreasonable, incapable, ungrateful, overly emotional, and more. Is it any wonder I became someone I neither recognized nor liked – I became passive aggressive, angry, anxious, withdrawn, and defensive. Unfair games will do that to a person.
And then, one August night, the blindfold was removed. Suddenly I understood that my actions were predictable reactions – reactions to an insanity beyond my comprehension. As I was thrust into “after”, I finally had proof of what I’d known all along: I was not crazy.
Beyond D-Day ..... and thriving 
Susan, I just came across your blog (thanks you Jangled sharing this post on her blog), and wow, your writing so very closely resonates with me. I’m going through just now what you went through ten years ago (I read all your posts in one sitting – please come back and keep writing!), and it is so very helpful to read your words. It is like they are coming right out of my own heart, my own shattered soul. I hope you are at a much better place now – I’m sorry the lying never stops but that will not change the fact that you are an extremely strong and healthy woman. Thank you for sharing your story.
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Hello there, my sweet reader! Thanks so much for your comments. I can’t tell you how it warms my heart to know that my words mean something.
The path you’ve begun traveling is a lonely one. I’m so sorry. I remember the isolation of knowing that no one really understood me. Please know that many of us have gone before you, and you will survive and even thrive.
But ….. it won’t be easy. Hang in there, believe in yourself, and start practicing more self-care than you think you need. Your mind and body have undergone significant trauma, and they both need rest! Hugs to you!
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Oh BBS – thank God you are here! I was so worried that you disappeared after your last post in February. Please please please keep posting – your posts could come directly from my soul, my broken heart, if I could write as eloquently as you. There are indeed many of us out here, and I’ve been blessed to have found a great and supportive community of wives of sex addicts, but when I came across your blog I felt that my story is most similar to yours. I know this doesn’t mean much, I know our stories are still not similar, still not fully comparable and as such your experiences will not determine mine, but sometimes I feel you walked the exact same path ten years ago – when you were just about my age now! – and you have the key to some of the riddles I come across now. Sigh. I am so grateful to have found your blog and mostly you.
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I don’t know if you are still out there, MWS. I can’t believe I missed your sweet comments. THANK YOU!!! The riddle gets easier and easier as time goes by. I still grieve the lost years, but just like any grief, it has lessened over time. I’m even able to pluck some good memories from the wreckage, and reclaim them as my own. Keep going! And again, thank you!
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Hi!! We need to talk. Your blog was one of the few to balance out the craziness of wanting to believe so badly that he’s changing to the better. Oh my God, your story is a beacon of light, and is eerily similar to mine in that it’s really eye opening to see what they do when you stand up from the table. Phew. Crazy stuff.
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I sometimes worry my writing is too raw, and without hope. My hope could only be found in leaving. And when I did, he showed me exactly who he was all along. I’m so sorry you faced down a monster, like I did. It is indeed crazy stuff!!
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I’m so glad you’re still here! Your writing is honest, and honest by definition is at times raw. Raw is necessary. And don’t be sorry, friend, facing the monster was really the only way to freedom. I’m so glad I did it, because if I haven’t, I would still be under the spell, desperately wanting to believe something that’s, simply, not possible.
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I’m always happy to hear about others who get out. It takes nerves of steel and a willingness to lose everything if that’s what it takes. Congratulations, my mighty friend. You qualify as a warrior!!!
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