My ex claims he never lied to me.
First of all, I’m sure that’s just another lie. But …. when he wasn’t actually lying, what he did was MUCH more sinister. It was gaslighting, which is a total mind rape.
Let’s lets look at an example of how this works. In this situation, I’d asked him to see his doctor for a particular medical problem.
- Me: “Did you see your doctor?”
- Him: “Yes”
- Me: “What did he say?”
- Him: “He said everything’s OK.”
Innocent enough, yes? Not so fast. You see, I wasn’t specific enough in my questions. I was relying on underlying assumptions, which you can NEVER do with a sex addict.
Let’s re-examine that conversation now that we know how personality disordered people twist the truth.
Me: Did you see your doctor?
To normal people, this means “attend an appointment with” and “for the medical situation we are talking about”. With narcissists, sociopaths, and sex addicts things are often a matter of exact words.
The sex addict will say “yes” if he saw a doctor shopping at Home Depot or if he attended an appointment with any doctor at any time in his life, even thought he knows very well what you are asking.
Me: What did he say?
Again, to a normal person, this assumes we are still talking about the same doctor from our first question. But to a sex addict, “he” could be anyone – from a co-worker to an actor on TV who said, at any time ever, “everything’s OK” .
If you later find out that he did not see the doctor for the specified problem, he will claim – and believe – that he did not lie to you. And if he’s anything like my sex addict, he will then accuse you of poor communication skills because you didn’t play by the “exact words” rule.
Confused? Me, too. This is one tiny example and I’m exhausted.
In the aftermath of discovering his sex addiction, I learned that every conversation had a hidden meaning and that I had to carefully examine every single word he said.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t live that way.