“You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.”
~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler
And so it was when I discovered my husband was a deviant sex addict. I can never be the same. He broke something in my core. I can be repaired, but the scars will remain and reminders will come.
This wasn’t simple betrayal. It wasn’t “just” being lied to. And it surely wasn’t a little secret that “didn’t mean anything, I swear” – to quote my sex addict. It was so much bigger than all that.
At the exact moment of discovery, my life was ripped into two distinct pieces – before and after. As if that weren’t enough, each broken half was then sent thru a truth shredder, leaving me with giant piles of twisted wreckage.
Truths were intermingled with lies to the point that I had no idea who or what to believe anymore. I was trying to understand a situation that cannot be understood by normal people, all while my brain and body mounted a fight against the extraordinary trauma of it all.
At each phase of my now adult children’s lives, I witness their deep pain as they wrestle with an increasingly mature understanding of the truth about their father. One has chosen denial; the other, truth. Both paths have their own special kind of hell that grieves me daily as a mother.
There isn’t any ‘getting over’ what he did to us. The damage was too great. He opened a Pandora’s box that can never be closed. None of us can ever again enjoy the bliss of ignorance about the evils and the sick underworld he forced into our lives.
There is only moving on, rebuilding, and learning to trust the world again. After a decade of hard work, I stopped having nightmares and I could finally awaken each morning to a sense of joy and purpose rather than dread and remembrance and pain. This is the aftermath of marriage to a sex addict. This is C-PTSD. This is my life’s work.
2 thoughts on “Get Over a Narcissistic Sex Addict?”
My 30 yr old marriage to my HS sweetheart blew up like a bomb when I discovered he was a Unrepentant Narcissistic Sex Addict who had made a joke out of our lives together. The day I had to accept that we never celebrate our anniversary and that my marriage was over and had been so for a long time, was one of the saddest of my life. I grieved a thousand deaths.
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Oh, Cara. I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I didn’t meet mine until grad school, so I cannot imagine the loss when yours was your HS sweetheart.
These men are so empty on the inside. Everything is a facade and it cuts us to the core. I wish I could tell you that their lies end, but they don’t. You just learn to ignore them as they continue to show who they truly are.
I’m soo sorry.