Someone asked me a tough question that proved to be a turning point in my recovery from divorcing a sociopathic sex addict:
“How much more validation do you need?”
Early in the discovery phase, I developed some predictable coping mechanisms. A call from my divorce attorney could result in hours of me Googling things about sex addiction. An intrusive thought about my ex would leave me rehashing all the evils he had committed. Startling awake from a nightmare meant I would frantically go down the rabbit hole on YouTube, watching films about sociopaths.
The triggers came almost non-stop, and with each one I went searching for more truth, understanding, and information. For a time, this was appropriate as I came to grips with what had happened to me. I felt my story was so extreme that no one could comprehend it. I felt utterly alone.
Then came the day when those coping mechanism turned on me. I was no longer actually seeking truth, understanding, and information. I was really on a mission to get validation. I just didn’t know that yet.
I lived like that for too long … and then came my answer to the question, “How much more validation do you need?”:
There will never be “enough” validation if I’m waiting to hear it from my ex. He is not capable; he never was and never will be. There is nothing I can say to him that will make him suddenly see the damage he caused and beg for my forgiveness. Never. It matters not what he does from this point forward – the damage was real, it was horrific, and it is over.
Armed with that flash of insight, I finally checked the box marked “Validation”. I know the truth. My family knows the truth. My close friends know the truth. And God knows the truth. That’s enough for me. That’s finally enough for me. At long last, I am looking to the future rather than the past.