5 Things to Get When Your Spouse is a Sex Addict

1. Get the Facts about Sex Addiction – it’s NOT your fault!

A sex addict’s behavior usually starts when something “twists” his* sexuality as a child. No 8 year old just magically decides to perform sexual acts because it seems like a good idea. Something warped that kid, long before you ever met. According to studies of sex addicts, it was most likely sexual abuse and/or a father with the same addiction.

2. Get a Counselor who is Comfortable with Anger.

Anger is an appropriate and predictable response to finding out the depth of deception that affects every aspect of your life. Sex addiction is way beyond simple betrayal. Of COURSE you are angry! You can either express that anger or it will go underground to destroy you from the inside out – depression is a given and illness can often result.

3. Get Comfortable with the Word “Abuse”.

Sex addiction includes insidious, willful, premeditated abuse. No matter how deeply you wish “I could go back to the way it was before”, you can never go back…. and that reality sucks. Coming to grips with abuse takes time as your blinders slowly melt away.

4. Get a Witness.

As the sex addict desperately tries to stuff everything back into his sick little compartmentalized life, he will make vows, swear promises, and even declare complete honesty – sometimes with a list of “all” his infractions. Make no mistake: this honesty will be short lived, incomplete, and there will be no record of it unless you create one! Trust me on this: you’ll need a record!

5. Get a Bulldog Attorney (even if you plan to stay!)

These men are gifted liars who specialize in false realities. If you think you won’t be discredited and further abused in the divorce process, think again. A man who risks your life and the wellbeing of you and your children will think nothing of lying and blaming you in order to keep “his” money and things. If you plan to stay, get a post-nuptial agreement.

Continued tomorrow. See 6-10 here. 


6 thoughts on “5 Things to Get When Your Spouse is a Sex Addict

  1. Thanks so much for writing this. #4 and #5 scare me to death – my husband really does seem to be working on his recovery, but I can’t shake the thought that it is all just a game to deceive me back into his lunatic world. If I turn my back he may do exactly as you describe: the discrediting, the blaming, the lying – to isolate me and to steal my money (which he is doing right now).

    Would you be willing to write about how it played out in your case? I remember you writing about how he went into recovery mode and became an example in his own SA group, and played the recovery card too well. What happened then? How long into deceiving you into believing he was actually in recovery did something happen? Sorry if I’m asking too much – I totally understand if this is not something you choose to talk about.

    The only reason I am asking you this is because my husband is currently in this famous recovery mode. I don’t know much since we have a no contact setup right now, but I’m so worried that it is all a sham. I don’t know how to know… There may as well be no answer to this, but I hope the experience of women like you may give me a tiny insight to what’s ahead… Thank you so much for all your posts – it’s been so very helpful to read your story.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Gosh, my heart breaks for you. I’ve walked that path, and it’s horrific. There is no peace, and that alone takes a tremendous toll on everything from your adrenals to you brain. I stayed too long, even when I knew without a doubt that it was time to go. I let fear rule me. To be fair, it is hard as hell to make a rational decision in the midst of such turmoil.

      I will write a post about your questions. I’m beyond happy to do so and thank you for submitting them. If it would help you, it can hopefully help many others!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: 5 More Things to Get When Your Spouse is a Sex Addict | Bye bye sex addict

    • Yes it is! I sat on the fence so long it literally destroyed my health. There are so many women just like me.

      Plan A, staying in the marriage, sucks. Plan B, divorcing, sucks. I was looking for the Plan C where I got to keep everything and go back to my naive, undamaged self. Unfortunately, Plan C doesn’t exist. The only path is forward, through all the pain and destruction, into the light of full awareness and acceptance of what happened. It’s not easy, but it can be done!

      I’m sorry you are having to endure.


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