For spouses of sex addicts, this was a tough week. There’s been a lot of confusion for me and my fellow warriors who called in tears – unexpectedly triggered by the Kavanaugh hearings.
I’m NOT saying Kavanaugh is a sex addict. That’s never even been alleged. And I’m NOT taking sides. Surprisingly, I can’t…. yet.
This is much deeper than politics to those of us who’ve been entangled with a sex addict.
The problem with sex addicts isn’t just the sex, it’s the abusive patterns of lying, gaslighting, and projection, mixed with whopping doses of feigned righteous anger.
Even after disclosure, intensive therapy, and weekly attendance at Sex Addicts Anon meetings – where our sex addicts often “led” their groups while still screwing whores – we’ve watched them pound tables, cry, and declare their innocence with legendary righteousness.
We’ve seen our sex addicts lie to judges, children, family, and counselors, often with seething anger because anyone would dare think ill of them.
The entitlement of sex addicts is a wonder to behold. The denial is staggering, upstaged only by their firmly held belief that they are great spouses, fathers, and employees – despite mounds of evidence to the contrary.
Many of us couldn’t get past Kavanaugh’s “righteous anger”. It was too familiar. It tied our stomach in knots and took us back to divorce courtrooms where we sat across from our once husbands and listened as they dismantled us with lies.
It took us back to counselor’s offices, where our then spouses threw things, yelled, and demanded the counselors stop accusing them and instead fix their “crazy” wives.
And so, we couldn’t quite believe Brett Kavanaugh. We couldn’t get past that righteousness.
On the other hand, we’ve had to live thru our own character assassinations by our sex addicts. Most of us assumed that once the addicts had confessed and taken steps to “fix” their addiction, they’d forever be honest about it.
It took us completely off guard when we learned how our exes had turned the tables and accused us of the hideous things they’d actually done. For many of us, that projection has been the hardest abuse to stomach in all this mess.
We often struggle with a burning desire to clear our own names of false accusations. We’ve pounded our pillows, cried, yelled, and been physically ill when learning of our ex’s continued lies at our expense.
And so, we want to believe Brett Kavanaugh. We, too, have been consumed with the need to be heard and have our reputations restored.
Because we have survived both ends of this argument, it turns out many of us are having a hard time taking sides.
Most of us know who we want to believe, and we don’t always agree on that. But we do agree that it’s been one hell of a week.